April 7 2013

April 7 2013

I’m not happy. I’m not happy today and I don’t know why. I’m living in Japan. I’m in one of the most exciting and lively, bouncing and fantastic countries in the entire world….physically. Mentally and emotionally, I’m stuck right where I was a month ago; in the basement room of my house in Toronto. Jobless, lonely and stuck. Utterly and totally stuck in my own mind. Stuck thinking to myself all day. Stuck without interaction. Stuck without using my brain because I won’t.  I don’t find happiness here. It rains and I stay inside all weekend. From my hair to my skin to my stomach legs eyes nails…everything is churning and doesn’t feel like my own. What…is…happening? I AM BORED. But refuse to do anything about it. I cook because I have to eat, I eat because it’s a way to pass the time. I watch endless amounts of videos on my computer. Hours go by and then I realize…I’ve spent two straight days indoors without moving farther from my bed but to get a snack. Why do I think I need to go home? What is at home? What’s in Toronto…? I don’t have any obligations, I don’t have school, I don’t have work, I don’t have an understanding of where I’ll be going. I just don’t. I don’t. Do not. This is the real problem – or so I think. I don’t give myself the time to simply sit back and enjoy. Enjoy the piece of cake now, stop thinking about your ass getting bigger tomorrow. Enjoy the view of the mountains NOW, stop thinking about sharing the view with someone else. Stop waiting for someone to hold you together and hug yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself because you’re in Japan. You are your own knight in shining armour. You are your own best friend, have fun alone. Live alone. Laugh alone. Cry alone. See where you are. Realize where you are. Live. Every. Day. To. It’s. Fullest.  When will you be coming back here? Allow yourself the memories so that you can look back and say “Wow. That was an unbelievable time. I loved my experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”