simply liv

Sitting on the cool grass in the shade along a breezy river pass thinking. Thoughts come morr easily on a full belly and a cooler body. I realized my trouble, but not my solution. Half way there I guess? The first step is admittance and awareness. Sometimes I feel worried. But I also feel worried about the feelings that come with being worried. Deep, I know. Thus far Ive been struggling through the feeling worried about the feelings I feel when worried until the thing that made me worried in the first place is gone, then I dont feel worried and thus dont have anything to worry about. Still with me? So now the part is...do I accept that some things make me feel worried, and then ill feel worried about those feelings, and just be OK for now? Like, realize and separate from it? Or, do I feel worried about things and then feel worry about the worried feelings and try to just accept those? What a ridiculous thing. Im feeling like I might just need to accept both as just "being...

This story always ends with me worrying over everything, farting much too often and in public, running to the bathroom, feeling shaky and sweaty and being totally fine anyways. Ill read this later when I get home in 6 hours and really think it wasnt so bad. And then the cycle begins again.

So is it the feeling that makes the thoughts, or the thoughts that make the feeling? What came first? The chicken or the egg? Sitting here on the ground of a park around the corner from a client I really want to say its the feeling that came first. I felt sick so my mind went into a frenzy of whats wrong with me, whats going to happen and what I need to do to get the heck out of here. Popping skittles does help a bit to calm the nerves. Or does it just take my mind away from schemeing and on to simulated citrus flavour? I am going to tell myself that the thoughts came first and make a mental note to add this phrase to a "get well soon" card to myself. The little thought demons plant an idea in my head "im sick" "im feeling tired and faint" "the world is unsteady" "im weak"...they go on! And they've made camp here so they can send stealthy ninja messages without me even knowing it. These thoughts implant themselves into my cortex ...