simply liv

What...is going on? What is this feeling? Why are these feelings? What is real? What is my living, my breathing, my doing? My living...life.... Why am I so confused and stuck? Why am I questioning everything? Why am I here? Im feeling so weird and I dont know why... Please let me just get through this.

Sitting on the cool grass in the shade along a breezy river pass thinking. Thoughts come morr easily on a full belly and a cooler body. I realized my trouble, but not my solution. Half way there I guess? The first step is admittance and awareness. Sometimes I feel worried. But I also feel worried about the feelings that come with being worried. Deep, I know. Thus far Ive been struggling through the feeling worried about the feelings I feel when worried until the thing that made me worried in the first place is gone, then I dont feel worried and thus dont have anything to worry about. Still with me? So now the part is...do I accept that some things make me feel worried, and then ill feel worried about those feelings, and just be OK for now? Like, realize and separate from it? Or, do I feel worried about things and then feel worry about the worried feelings and try to just accept those? What a ridiculous thing. Im feeling like I might just need to accept both as just "being...

This story always ends with me worrying over everything, farting much too often and in public, running to the bathroom, feeling shaky and sweaty and being totally fine anyways. Ill read this later when I get home in 6 hours and really think it wasnt so bad. And then the cycle begins again.

So is it the feeling that makes the thoughts, or the thoughts that make the feeling? What came first? The chicken or the egg? Sitting here on the ground of a park around the corner from a client I really want to say its the feeling that came first. I felt sick so my mind went into a frenzy of whats wrong with me, whats going to happen and what I need to do to get the heck out of here. Popping skittles does help a bit to calm the nerves. Or does it just take my mind away from schemeing and on to simulated citrus flavour? I am going to tell myself that the thoughts came first and make a mental note to add this phrase to a "get well soon" card to myself. The little thought demons plant an idea in my head "im sick" "im feeling tired and faint" "the world is unsteady" "im weak"...they go on! And they've made camp here so they can send stealthy ninja messages without me even knowing it. These thoughts implant themselves into my cortex ...

I'd like to write to you from your lunch table in Ireland. You're sitting here in the corner of the stuffy small room with the other 5 members of your family. You're listening to them but your head swims. Your nose stings on the right side, its dry, its stuffed, its stinging you. Your cheeks feel tight, are you smiling? No. You're sitting in the corner praying for your food to come faster. You're tired of the waiting and the trying and the creativity and the let downs. You're warm, you're hungry, your belly feels like its inside out. Your hiding in the corner of this room and you're scared. You're holding on to a thread, you're waiting and spinning and falling. You're writing this letter to keep yourselves occupied, keep yourself concentrated on words, on keeping yourself grounded, on keeping it down, keeping it settled, keeping it under you locked in its cage for the rest of your life. Keep running away, keep running away, keep running brea...

Do you know what its like, to wake up shaking? To feel your head and heart pounding before your feet hit the floor? To be scared before you know what makes you afraid? To jump, to scream inside to want to run away at every moment not knowing where you can go to escape? Do you know what its like to get dressed when it means you'll need to go outside if you do? Do you know what its like to be terrified of what used to be fun? Clutch yourself and jump off the deep end and it feels like you're falling forever but all you're doing is getting on the train downtown. Do you know what its like to feel separate from your body? You feel yourself moving, acting, shaking. But that's not you. Is that you? I don't recognize this girl, why is she so upset? Do you know what its like to lose yourself entirely? To not laugh anymore, to not find joy in sharing a conversation with a stranger sitting next to you because all you can think about every waking moment is not dying...

I am a beggar Who reaches towards the closing circle Of light above him As he slides deeper into the widening Hole he's trapped in Like its the surface and first breath of air To keep from drowning. I reach in desperation but each time i pull on earth it falls away like a puff of smoke between my fingertips Im sinking No no no please, dont swallow me, theres someone here! All my muscles work to pull me higher towards my shrinking sunshine and the only thing i know My lungs are tightening against the rubber band thats around my throat, trying to choke me Dont break. Dont give up. Dont stop climbing. Reach!!!!!

I've entered into my nightmare. Willingly. I thought I could be strong for someone else. Was I wrong? It seems like nothing has changed. I'm still weak. The same feelings are rushing back. Swimming mind, tingly and warm cheeks, heat radiating from my neck and chest. Shaky hands, tingling and pressure inside my left elbow. And tears. These tears are different. These are the tears of shame. Each droplet that falls from my eye is another sorry reason for how pathetic I feel. I am in a continuous state of caution, fear and reaction. I refuse to continue to live this way.

"There's no shame in fear, my father told me, what matters is how we face it." Jon Snow George R. R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

What do I want? I have no idea. I know what I think I once liked. But somehow its been hidden from me, stolen by something or someone. I've been robbed, stripped bare, left fully exposed, raw and trembling. What I don't want...? Well that's easy. I don't want to feel trapped every where i go. I don't want to feel scared every minute im awake. I don't want to have my life robbed of me. I don't want to shutter and cringe all day waiting if something might come up that makes me uncomfortable. Waiting, waiting, preparing to keep myself safe. I don't want to sweat, to shake, to tremble to quiver inside every minute at the possibility. I don't want to imagine horrible things that will happen to me. I don't want to feel off centre and tilting, shaking, swaying in the wind, unbalanced on my own two feet. I don't want to think about the easiest way out, the safest route to my safety or to help, all the while ignoring the conversations happe...

Its been a while and I am numb. What was pure joy What was calm What was passion What was staying up just because What was going out and not thinking about tomorrow Why did I not honor those feelings Why did I throw them all away? Why can't I remember them? Why cant I remember what its like to be in my own body, to smile and laugh every day with my heart soaring and pouring love from every pore spilling over running downhill flowing out of me every minute of every day? Why cant i remember? Why am I not fighting for that? Do I not feel it will happen again? Do I not feel that I deserve it, or that I can make something amazing of it? These kinds of questions cant be answered. They need to be felt. Am I running away from something I dont want, or towards something I feel I deserve? Either way this is MY life. I only live it once and screw all of you if you think I should have done something different. I should do what feels right to me, not to you. I don't need to a...

Things are gone. They crumbled away under my scrambling arms and feet as I tried to lead the blind deaf and dumb up the tumbling hill that was left to me to rot. Theyre walking the wrong way and never knew who was leading them in the first place.

Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. After you write a word 30 times it loses its strength and just looks and sounds silly. You can't be uncomfortable about something that just sounds silly...

Hot. Cheeks, back, arms. Loose jaw, tight muscles. Clench clench clench. Heavy eyes, scared to close them. Hunching over keeps my stomach acid from spilling over into my throat. Someone is pinching the flesh at my cheekbones and raising them too high, they're tingling. Let go of my face and let me rest my head and heart. Breathe in cold winter air as it cools me back to molasses.

It feels hot, it feels twitchy and tumbly On the edge My feet lifting from the floor Im flying Heavy neck, pulling and crimping me inwards Empty stomach squeezing into nothing Forhead, eyes, arms, diaphragm Lost but hyper aware Scared of an unknown enemy Falling on solid earth Twitching fumbling spinning my thimb ring Anything to distract me... Anything to distract me.

Walking moving aching smiling whistling day in, day out walking talking choking breathing beating stopping breath sigh why? thinking thoughts and talking thoughts aren't thoughts at all. They're the mind trying to escape. Pull me out of this rigorous and lonely routine take me to a place with vastness, openness, quiet moving sleeping joking laughing faking where is my relief? sigh

One mind says it's a lesson to be learned. The other says what a waste of time. One mind says it just wasn't right The other says I'M not right. One mind says honesty is better The other says not when it hurts. One mind sees the good in him. The strength and the courage. The other sees he's giving up. One mind is ready for more The other sits trapped in sorrow One mind can't always compete with the other. Let's hope the other backs down.

We want honesty, we want to give it truthfully, and to receive it in return. I'd like to talk to you. We aim to be authentic, and to be true to our word. I've been a coward. Why then is it so hard to hear what we've been looking for all along? There's no feeling here.

What is my life? What is my impact? What am I adding to the world? What….what…who…when..why…all the questions. The Why is why do I care? Why don’t I just LIVE? Why don’t I enjoy? Why don’t I eat, sleep, watch tv, run, laugh, play whenever I want without thinking how it will affect my future? Life is life to LIVE. You’ll never get a second of it back – why let yourself think about seconds that haven’t happened yet?  Sitting in my room, thinking…thinking…listening. My eyes hurt, I need something to clean them, change them, make them see what’s in front of me NOW. Relax….watch...pay attention, live laugh love and BE in the moment. Crazy for you. Stupid glasses. Stupid eyes.