This is a new sort of feeling

I've entered into my nightmare. Willingly.
I thought I could be strong for someone else. Was I wrong? It seems like nothing has changed. I'm still weak.
The same feelings are rushing back. Swimming mind, tingly and warm cheeks, heat radiating from my neck and chest. Shaky hands, tingling and pressure inside my left elbow. And tears.
These tears are different. These are the tears of shame. Each droplet that falls from my eye is another sorry reason for how pathetic I feel.
I am in a continuous state of caution, fear and reaction.
I refuse to continue to live this way.