simply liv

Today is that day. Today is the day that I wake up late because I didn't want to crawl my stiff muscles and cracking bones out of bed. I feel like a crumpled over tin can. We all know those can't be reshaped into their beautiful cylindrical has-been selves. Today is an eerie day, a quiet day in a usually bustling house. I'm alone today, and it's snowing. Stop making me look at pictures of other people in far off distant and exotic countries, soaking up the sun or sipping wine under the Eiffel tower. I'm a crumpled tin can in a cold house getting snowed on. What will bring me to that place? But which place? Couldn't someone else's dream be my place?

April 7 2013 I’m not happy. I’m not happy today and I don’t know why. I’m living in Japan. I’m in one of the most exciting and lively, bouncing and fantastic countries in the entire world….physically. Mentally and emotionally, I’m stuck right where I was a month ago; in the basement room of my house in Toronto. Jobless, lonely and stuck. Utterly and totally stuck in my own mind. Stuck thinking to myself all day. Stuck without interaction. Stuck without using my brain because I won’t.  I don’t find happiness here. It rains and I stay inside all weekend. From my hair to my skin to my stomach legs eyes nails…everything is churning and doesn’t feel like my own. What…is…happening? I AM BORED. But refuse to do anything about it. I cook because I have to eat, I eat because it’s a way to pass the time. I watch endless amounts of videos on my computer. Hours go by and then I realize…I’ve spent two straight days indoors without moving farther from my bed but to get a snack. Why do I thin...

Passion, passion, whose got the passion? Lately, I've thought pretty in depth-like at my life and what I am passionate about. Asking myself questions like "What do I want to do with my life?" and "How do I want to commit the short time I'm given on this planet" followed by "How can I add value to my life and the lives of others WHILE making enough green stuff to make a fun and enjoyable and love-filled life for myself and my family?" I think about this often as I linger in the strange place between graduation and career-life. I sit here today thinking about my future. Thinking about their words on the page of my e-mail inbox: " we've received your application to the 2014 fall intake for the Nursing program, thank for your application. At this time, we cannot offer you admission." Pretty much ending their e-mail with a "thanks for your cash Liv, sorry kiddo...but no can do." Brilliant. Well...in all honestly, I'd lost ...

Blog, blog, Bloggidy blog blog, blogger. Sitting on the floor in my chilly basement, leaning against a pair of old speakers and beginning to lose sensation in my left butt cheek, I'm thinking about my babies. I planted (ha!, you thought they were real human children beings?!) 3 tomato plants, a cucumber plant, an olive...tree? and some herbs. I've recently become totally obsessed with them and at times am known to share my breakfast in their company. Today, I needed to give them some serious though love and prune...like mad. I hadn't done this since I got them and was hesitant to do so....and am now contemplating if I should have. ODD to think that this is what occupies my mind space. Those poor little plants, slowly forming vegetation for me to consume. They work so hard...every damn day...to produce something beautiful and delicious and then, some weeks later, I just pick it off and eat it. Eating takes like...7 seconds! I actually really enjoy gardening. Its peacefu...

Moments can be short. Moments can be long. There are moments of joy. Moments of sorrow. Moments of passion. Moments you'll never forget. Moments you've already forgotten. Moments you didn't get. There are awkward moments. Senior moments. Moments of truth, and momentary lapses in judgement. People will ask for a moment. Share a moment. "I need a moment." "You got a moment?" "Hey wait a moment." You can take a moment. Make a moment. Spoil a moment. And if all the stars align at just the right moment, that moment can be perfect. Moments can define you. Moments can delight you. And moments...can change your life. -Lexus

I love when wonderful things sprout from serious talks with friends. Who would have thought that I'd come up with such a wonderful metaphor for LIFE from a simple text conversation? I have discovered my new metaphor for describing the way, that I believe, is the best to deal with the crap in our lives. For clarification, when I say "crap" I mean, quite literally, anything that causes negative feelings to reciprocate within ourselves and that are caused by ourselves; guilt, self-doubt, insecurity, disappointment, resentment, anger, depression....and other feelings filed under the category of 'feelings not wanted to be had'. Here's the thing. When liv is faced with any kind of issues as named above, she quickly and effortlessly dumps them on the soul in closest proximity to her, seeking knowledge, advice, choice...etc. I've got no shame, I'm ready to admit right away that I feel X and am searching for a way to solve it (and not by applying Pythagoras...

pg 40 "Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says The tension of opposites? "Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted." "A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle." Sounds like a wrestling match, I say. "A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way." So which side wins, I ask? "Which side wins?" He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth. "Love wins. Love always wins." This is a passage from "tuesdays with Morrie", a novel written by Mitch Albom,. His words find unique ways to touch my heart and get me thinking. They are definitely worth being shared.

Yesterday I was out with my mom for a few celebratory drinks and munchies at a downtown joint I'd never been to before. It was her well-earned final day as a teacher candidate marking the completion of Teachers College (you rock, Mom!) and she wanted (needed?) to let loose and consume beverages of the alcoholic variety. Beer and Nachos seemed like long-lost friends that desperately needed a reunion with us. It's interesting how fun, carefree nights can turn into ones of deep internal philosophical debates and contemplation of myself as a basic being of life. Lessons are everywhere and I chose to take the ones that I recognize. A wise friend of mine once said "Life lessons keep coming at you until you learn something from them". This is a lesson I hope to not see again. Here's the lesson I learned from last night. To keep you interested, the realization I had at the end of this whole ordeal was essentially this..."I am a bad person" and shame was felt. ...

The warm April sun hugs the back of my neck, warming it, cradling my body in a snug, comfortable place. It's easy to lose myself in it's warm hands, giving up my thoughts and releasing my tense body with the closing of my eyes. Laying on this old hand-me-down couch has never been so comfortable. I feel the yawns start in my toes and move its way up my entire body, stretching it along the way, taking me deeper into the cushions of this beige striped two-seater. All of a sudden my book is heavy in my arms. My hand tilts downwards at the wrist and my forearm lowers under the new weight. It feels nice to give in to the weight, holding up a book seems an unnecessary task in the comfort of the sun.

During my fourth year of university, I was mentally and physically crippled by anxiety and panic. Everything was a daunting task, struggling to wake up, eat, sleep, plan, study, exercise or socialize. It felt like I was slowly and inevitably being crushed under a large rock, my breath constricted with every inhale, too weak to push against it's unbearable weight. Being awake was like feeling my way through a dark room, fumbling clutching at air and straining to see. It was time that I looked for a strong arm to clutch to for the strength I was lacking to pull me back to consciousness and light. My iron filled boots tried to keep me rooted at the base of the long stairway the lead to student counselling services, but I persisted to drag heavy heart higher and higher. I felt crushed checking in, surrendering that I wasn't able to fix the pieces of myself. I was broken and exposed for everyone to see. My boots became light as feathers with wings ready to carry me away as fast as I...

" Let's wake up all excited, sand and rocks in our hair from sleeping next to the ocean. Let's swim in our underwear, fall into rushing rivers, and paddle out before we're swept away. Let's eat new foods because the labels are in languages we can't read. Let's cook over a dire with sharp sticks and tin cans. Let's get lost on strange streets and pass the same storefront over and over again because we're walking in circles. Let's find things we never knew existed. Let's feed the ducks. I'm saying hey let's run as fast as we can weaving through people and cars and jumping over stuff climbing hills and fences taking shortcuts hands in the air laughing yelling screaming all the way until we're out of breath sighing laying on the ground looking at the sky feeling out heartbeats in our limbs! " - Anonymous This. is. fantastic. What a powerful set of words. This makes me want to run in the wind and jump in puddles and scream my ...

Sitting at my front window with the April sun on my legs and my coffee on the windowsill. "Coffee" here is a loose term, it's more like 83% almond milk and 17% coffee that I stole from the pot my dad made this morning. Cinnamon doesn't help to make it tasty. Pausing to think about what to write as I cough up a weak immune system that's been collecting in my lungs and not paying rent for a week. I can feel a chair spoke poking me in the soft spot just inside my shoulder blade towards the spine. Doesn't mean I'll change my position though, it will probably be uncomfortable no matter how my anatomy tries to fold itself around this ancient piece of wood work. It's windy out, probably too much so to ride my bike to work later. I'm not interested in arriving sweaty and wind beaten to work with hair that could be confused as a desert tumble weed, that was certainly blowing in the wind. Brother and Father sit behind me consumed by actors faking lawyers put...

I'm at the University of Toronto to volunteer at a blood donor clinic. I can't log on to the wifi, my brothers log in information doesn't seem to be working. I walked around for a bit. I can't really explain the feeling I had walking around this university's campus. I related to my school while walking these hallways. I was thrown violently back to my university experience when looking at the news bulletin. It wasn't the ads for GMAT tutorials, religious group meetings, event calendars or the gay prom promotion that got me thinking about my university either. I'm not even sure how it did. During my time at school, I never once looked at posters that were put up all over my campus. Not that I remembered anyway. Perhaps on a subconscious level I'd found a place for them in synapses of my brain, but never made the connection to the concious mind to actually do something and act on their attendance requests. I instantly felt a pang of regret. There were prob...

You know those days that just seem wonderful? I’m coughing up a lung of tired white blood cells exhausted from fighting off a bug for the past 9 days, but I can’t help it but laugh inside. My eyes are hot behind the lids and my nose feels like it’s poking this screen as I type from all the pressure built up directly in the middle of my face. Regardless of body aches, desert-like voice box and pounding brain tissue, I feel wonderful. And I'm at work! Some days I just get inspired. I'm so excited about what this day will bring. Ha! And to think I didn't even want to leave my pyjamas this morning. That’s the beauty of it all. One moment I'm sitting at my kitchen table clutching my stomach staring at the chicken noodle soup my mom made holding an ice pack to the forehead that’s on fire; it feels like I'm on the surface of the sun and I forgot to pack my sunglasses. My head is screaming at me “WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHEREEEEE...hahahaaa”, then abruptly stops laughing to look...

" What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. " - Ralph Waldo Emmerson A fitting few words of encouragement for baby blogger me.