the realization
I'm at the University of Toronto to volunteer at a blood donor clinic. I can't log on to the wifi, my brothers log in information doesn't seem to be working. I walked around for a bit. I can't really explain the feeling I had walking around this university's campus. I related to my school while walking these hallways. I was thrown violently back to my university experience when looking at the news bulletin. It wasn't the ads for GMAT tutorials, religious group meetings, event calendars or the gay prom promotion that got me thinking about my university either. I'm not even sure how it did. During my time at school, I never once looked at posters that were put up all over my campus. Not that I remembered anyway. Perhaps on a subconscious level I'd found a place for them in synapses of my brain, but never made the connection to the concious mind to actually do something and act on their attendance requests. I instantly felt a pang of regret. There were probably SO many amazing groups that I missed out on. Opportunities that I never took, chances I never even thought to add to my daily dose of over-active and stretched mind activities.
I love it here. I love the atmosphere, I love the energy of learning, of community, of opportunity and networking. I miss it. I miss the feeling of being part of something. A reason to get up in the morning. A reason to live and to find myself meeting others of the same mindset. I slept through University. I was a passive observer as it flew away in front of my face like a startled pigeon.
Maybe I just miss being selfish. I miss the feelings of ME, ME ME ME ME ME..I'm here. I'm there. I'm exposed to these people and these experiences, and I didn't even have to think about it, I just needed to show up to school to attend the classes that won't end up teaching me anything and of which I'm overstressed and always under-prepared.
WE ARE ALL PART OF THIS WASTED TIME SLOT. like being stuck in some crazy vortex that brings us down the spiralling drain the entire time without us even knowing. It takes a superhuman to realize their uncontrolled spinning and to have enough foresight and mental separation and intuition that it takes to step back and grasp the concept that they have a say and the time to do what they want here, and to really grab the university life by the balls and live it the way its supposed to be lived. We are all so consumed with daily problems, this assignment is due, I have a lab at 3, I need to eat dinner, I'm tired, I have to workout to lose this ass I put on over the spring break, my boyfriend is a total dick wad and doesn't appreciate me! seriously people, wake up. let's start taking control of our lives before things really start to break down and you're 23 living in your parents basement with a part time job and no real experience under your feet. We can try hard to get life rolling but NOW is the time to act. When you're in a position to really effect people and things..you have the power to influence the world. Grab life in university by the BALLS. a couple percent higher on a test isn't worth the opportunities you're missing with your face stuck in a book, complete with endless tim hortons cups and droopy eyes trying to stay awake to just get one more answer right. We've been doing it wrong for years, or at least I did.
This written release of my mind has turned into an instruction booklet for....my younger self. If only I'd written this 5 years ago and told my 18 year old self a couple things. Sweetheart, you're young, but not stupid. You are in the perfect place to shape your world, your future, your desires and dreams will unfold before you, put down the books (and the vanilla flavoured vodka, you'll regret that one) get out and live your life. Learn to give first aid, to garden, to mix chemicals in a beaker, to TALK, to love, to interact, to smile, to shrug off the small stuff, to let boys be boys until they grow into men worth loving and being involved with, people will be mean and selfish and rude and horrible, but people can also help you grow and see clearly and love you for YOU.
Is 23 too old for me to start telling this to myself right now? I can't know now if I'm not grasping life's balls and telling it where to go instead of following it around like a lost puppy. I know life is meant to be happy and exciting and joyful and full of everything and everyone that I could possibly want. But, at this point...I don't know what it is that I'm meant to be doing. Why am I here? I'm here for a reason..and all the steps I've taken so far were meant to happen....it's hard to believe but I think it's true. If I was forced into things, I might not have made the choices by myself. You now what? I can't even begin to try to explain the way the world works....are you kidding me? But if there is a chance to look at the world in a negative way, there is also the chance to look at it the positive way. Keep your chin up and march on. If I feel that I've missed opportunities, I can feel happy that I have shown others the way that I might have missed. I can help other people..and that's the beauty of it.
I need to get my eyes checked.
Life isn't like the movies....unless you're watching it go by.
I love it here. I love the atmosphere, I love the energy of learning, of community, of opportunity and networking. I miss it. I miss the feeling of being part of something. A reason to get up in the morning. A reason to live and to find myself meeting others of the same mindset. I slept through University. I was a passive observer as it flew away in front of my face like a startled pigeon.
Maybe I just miss being selfish. I miss the feelings of ME, ME ME ME ME ME..I'm here. I'm there. I'm exposed to these people and these experiences, and I didn't even have to think about it, I just needed to show up to school to attend the classes that won't end up teaching me anything and of which I'm overstressed and always under-prepared.
WE ARE ALL PART OF THIS WASTED TIME SLOT. like being stuck in some crazy vortex that brings us down the spiralling drain the entire time without us even knowing. It takes a superhuman to realize their uncontrolled spinning and to have enough foresight and mental separation and intuition that it takes to step back and grasp the concept that they have a say and the time to do what they want here, and to really grab the university life by the balls and live it the way its supposed to be lived. We are all so consumed with daily problems, this assignment is due, I have a lab at 3, I need to eat dinner, I'm tired, I have to workout to lose this ass I put on over the spring break, my boyfriend is a total dick wad and doesn't appreciate me! seriously people, wake up. let's start taking control of our lives before things really start to break down and you're 23 living in your parents basement with a part time job and no real experience under your feet. We can try hard to get life rolling but NOW is the time to act. When you're in a position to really effect people and things..you have the power to influence the world. Grab life in university by the BALLS. a couple percent higher on a test isn't worth the opportunities you're missing with your face stuck in a book, complete with endless tim hortons cups and droopy eyes trying to stay awake to just get one more answer right. We've been doing it wrong for years, or at least I did.
This written release of my mind has turned into an instruction booklet for....my younger self. If only I'd written this 5 years ago and told my 18 year old self a couple things. Sweetheart, you're young, but not stupid. You are in the perfect place to shape your world, your future, your desires and dreams will unfold before you, put down the books (and the vanilla flavoured vodka, you'll regret that one) get out and live your life. Learn to give first aid, to garden, to mix chemicals in a beaker, to TALK, to love, to interact, to smile, to shrug off the small stuff, to let boys be boys until they grow into men worth loving and being involved with, people will be mean and selfish and rude and horrible, but people can also help you grow and see clearly and love you for YOU.
Is 23 too old for me to start telling this to myself right now? I can't know now if I'm not grasping life's balls and telling it where to go instead of following it around like a lost puppy. I know life is meant to be happy and exciting and joyful and full of everything and everyone that I could possibly want. But, at this point...I don't know what it is that I'm meant to be doing. Why am I here? I'm here for a reason..and all the steps I've taken so far were meant to happen....it's hard to believe but I think it's true. If I was forced into things, I might not have made the choices by myself. You now what? I can't even begin to try to explain the way the world works....are you kidding me? But if there is a chance to look at the world in a negative way, there is also the chance to look at it the positive way. Keep your chin up and march on. If I feel that I've missed opportunities, I can feel happy that I have shown others the way that I might have missed. I can help other people..and that's the beauty of it.
I need to get my eyes checked.
Life isn't like the movies....unless you're watching it go by.
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