simply liv

I've entered into my nightmare. Willingly. I thought I could be strong for someone else. Was I wrong? It seems like nothing has changed. I'm still weak. The same feelings are rushing back. Swimming mind, tingly and warm cheeks, heat radiating from my neck and chest. Shaky hands, tingling and pressure inside my left elbow. And tears. These tears are different. These are the tears of shame. Each droplet that falls from my eye is another sorry reason for how pathetic I feel. I am in a continuous state of caution, fear and reaction. I refuse to continue to live this way.

"There's no shame in fear, my father told me, what matters is how we face it." Jon Snow George R. R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

What do I want? I have no idea. I know what I think I once liked. But somehow its been hidden from me, stolen by something or someone. I've been robbed, stripped bare, left fully exposed, raw and trembling. What I don't want...? Well that's easy. I don't want to feel trapped every where i go. I don't want to feel scared every minute im awake. I don't want to have my life robbed of me. I don't want to shutter and cringe all day waiting if something might come up that makes me uncomfortable. Waiting, waiting, preparing to keep myself safe. I don't want to sweat, to shake, to tremble to quiver inside every minute at the possibility. I don't want to imagine horrible things that will happen to me. I don't want to feel off centre and tilting, shaking, swaying in the wind, unbalanced on my own two feet. I don't want to think about the easiest way out, the safest route to my safety or to help, all the while ignoring the conversations happe...

Its been a while and I am numb. What was pure joy What was calm What was passion What was staying up just because What was going out and not thinking about tomorrow Why did I not honor those feelings Why did I throw them all away? Why can't I remember them? Why cant I remember what its like to be in my own body, to smile and laugh every day with my heart soaring and pouring love from every pore spilling over running downhill flowing out of me every minute of every day? Why cant i remember? Why am I not fighting for that? Do I not feel it will happen again? Do I not feel that I deserve it, or that I can make something amazing of it? These kinds of questions cant be answered. They need to be felt. Am I running away from something I dont want, or towards something I feel I deserve? Either way this is MY life. I only live it once and screw all of you if you think I should have done something different. I should do what feels right to me, not to you. I don't need to a...

Things are gone. They crumbled away under my scrambling arms and feet as I tried to lead the blind deaf and dumb up the tumbling hill that was left to me to rot. Theyre walking the wrong way and never knew who was leading them in the first place.

Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. Packed. After you write a word 30 times it loses its strength and just looks and sounds silly. You can't be uncomfortable about something that just sounds silly...

Hot. Cheeks, back, arms. Loose jaw, tight muscles. Clench clench clench. Heavy eyes, scared to close them. Hunching over keeps my stomach acid from spilling over into my throat. Someone is pinching the flesh at my cheekbones and raising them too high, they're tingling. Let go of my face and let me rest my head and heart. Breathe in cold winter air as it cools me back to molasses.

It feels hot, it feels twitchy and tumbly On the edge My feet lifting from the floor Im flying Heavy neck, pulling and crimping me inwards Empty stomach squeezing into nothing Forhead, eyes, arms, diaphragm Lost but hyper aware Scared of an unknown enemy Falling on solid earth Twitching fumbling spinning my thimb ring Anything to distract me... Anything to distract me.