Teetering on inaction

Its been a while and I am numb.
What was pure joy
What was calm
What was passion
What was staying up just because
What was going out and not thinking about tomorrow
Why did I not honor those feelings
Why did I throw them all away?
Why can't I remember them?
Why cant I remember what its like to be in my own body, to smile and laugh every day with my heart soaring and pouring love from every pore spilling over running downhill flowing out of me every minute of every day?
Why cant i remember?
Why am I not fighting for that?
Do I not feel it will happen again?
Do I not feel that I deserve it, or that I can make something amazing of it?
These kinds of questions cant be answered. They need to be felt. Am I running away from something I dont want, or towards something I feel I deserve?
Either way this is MY life. I only live it once and screw all of you if you think I should have done something different. I should do what feels right to me, not to you. I don't need to always know why. Maybe this is where I grow. Maybe this is my true test. Have faith. Having faith that my life will flourish and grow if I just simply trust it and put in a little effort for keeping myself on track. Put in the effort to keep yourself true to your feelings and to always following your heart, regardless of what you see now.

You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.