simply liv

I'd like to write to you from your lunch table in Ireland. You're sitting here in the corner of the stuffy small room with the other 5 members of your family. You're listening to them but your head swims. Your nose stings on the right side, its dry, its stuffed, its stinging you. Your cheeks feel tight, are you smiling? No. You're sitting in the corner praying for your food to come faster. You're tired of the waiting and the trying and the creativity and the let downs. You're warm, you're hungry, your belly feels like its inside out. Your hiding in the corner of this room and you're scared. You're holding on to a thread, you're waiting and spinning and falling. You're writing this letter to keep yourselves occupied, keep yourself concentrated on words, on keeping yourself grounded, on keeping it down, keeping it settled, keeping it under you locked in its cage for the rest of your life. Keep running away, keep running away, keep running brea...

Do you know what its like, to wake up shaking? To feel your head and heart pounding before your feet hit the floor? To be scared before you know what makes you afraid? To jump, to scream inside to want to run away at every moment not knowing where you can go to escape? Do you know what its like to get dressed when it means you'll need to go outside if you do? Do you know what its like to be terrified of what used to be fun? Clutch yourself and jump off the deep end and it feels like you're falling forever but all you're doing is getting on the train downtown. Do you know what its like to feel separate from your body? You feel yourself moving, acting, shaking. But that's not you. Is that you? I don't recognize this girl, why is she so upset? Do you know what its like to lose yourself entirely? To not laugh anymore, to not find joy in sharing a conversation with a stranger sitting next to you because all you can think about every waking moment is not dying...

I am a beggar Who reaches towards the closing circle Of light above him As he slides deeper into the widening Hole he's trapped in Like its the surface and first breath of air To keep from drowning. I reach in desperation but each time i pull on earth it falls away like a puff of smoke between my fingertips Im sinking No no no please, dont swallow me, theres someone here! All my muscles work to pull me higher towards my shrinking sunshine and the only thing i know My lungs are tightening against the rubber band thats around my throat, trying to choke me Dont break. Dont give up. Dont stop climbing. Reach!!!!!