simply liv

I had to get out of the house. Maybe it was the chill vibes playlist on youtube, or maybe it was the fact that it was 11:30 on a Thursday and I was still in my pajamas, sitting in my multi-undone project apartment looking at my empty google calendar wishing for some excitement. Or maybe it's because my brain is working against me. Whatever the trigger, it came on in a flash, as it always does; right away I felt something wrong, I felt something deep, something stirring and numbing in my brain, something has taken over. It starts in my head, moving unnoticed and gaining strength before it unleashes itself and takes over my entire consciousness and physical body. It's just an idea, it starts with an idea that plants itself in my head and then it grows into a dark overwhelming all consuming shadow that smothers me. The issue continues to remain - where did this shadow creature come from and how did it grow so big that I'm on the verge of tears from self-pity, feeling like I n...

What...is going on? What is this feeling? Why are these feelings? What is real? What is my living, my breathing, my doing? My living...life.... Why am I so confused and stuck? Why am I questioning everything? Why am I here? Im feeling so weird and I dont know why... Please let me just get through this.

Sitting on the cool grass in the shade along a breezy river pass thinking. Thoughts come morr easily on a full belly and a cooler body. I realized my trouble, but not my solution. Half way there I guess? The first step is admittance and awareness. Sometimes I feel worried. But I also feel worried about the feelings that come with being worried. Deep, I know. Thus far Ive been struggling through the feeling worried about the feelings I feel when worried until the thing that made me worried in the first place is gone, then I dont feel worried and thus dont have anything to worry about. Still with me? So now the part is...do I accept that some things make me feel worried, and then ill feel worried about those feelings, and just be OK for now? Like, realize and separate from it? Or, do I feel worried about things and then feel worry about the worried feelings and try to just accept those? What a ridiculous thing. Im feeling like I might just need to accept both as just "being...

This story always ends with me worrying over everything, farting much too often and in public, running to the bathroom, feeling shaky and sweaty and being totally fine anyways. Ill read this later when I get home in 6 hours and really think it wasnt so bad. And then the cycle begins again.

So is it the feeling that makes the thoughts, or the thoughts that make the feeling? What came first? The chicken or the egg? Sitting here on the ground of a park around the corner from a client I really want to say its the feeling that came first. I felt sick so my mind went into a frenzy of whats wrong with me, whats going to happen and what I need to do to get the heck out of here. Popping skittles does help a bit to calm the nerves. Or does it just take my mind away from schemeing and on to simulated citrus flavour? I am going to tell myself that the thoughts came first and make a mental note to add this phrase to a "get well soon" card to myself. The little thought demons plant an idea in my head "im sick" "im feeling tired and faint" "the world is unsteady" "im weak"...they go on! And they've made camp here so they can send stealthy ninja messages without me even knowing it. These thoughts implant themselves into my cortex ...

I'd like to write to you from your lunch table in Ireland. You're sitting here in the corner of the stuffy small room with the other 5 members of your family. You're listening to them but your head swims. Your nose stings on the right side, its dry, its stuffed, its stinging you. Your cheeks feel tight, are you smiling? No. You're sitting in the corner praying for your food to come faster. You're tired of the waiting and the trying and the creativity and the let downs. You're warm, you're hungry, your belly feels like its inside out. Your hiding in the corner of this room and you're scared. You're holding on to a thread, you're waiting and spinning and falling. You're writing this letter to keep yourselves occupied, keep yourself concentrated on words, on keeping yourself grounded, on keeping it down, keeping it settled, keeping it under you locked in its cage for the rest of your life. Keep running away, keep running away, keep running brea...

Do you know what its like, to wake up shaking? To feel your head and heart pounding before your feet hit the floor? To be scared before you know what makes you afraid? To jump, to scream inside to want to run away at every moment not knowing where you can go to escape? Do you know what its like to get dressed when it means you'll need to go outside if you do? Do you know what its like to be terrified of what used to be fun? Clutch yourself and jump off the deep end and it feels like you're falling forever but all you're doing is getting on the train downtown. Do you know what its like to feel separate from your body? You feel yourself moving, acting, shaking. But that's not you. Is that you? I don't recognize this girl, why is she so upset? Do you know what its like to lose yourself entirely? To not laugh anymore, to not find joy in sharing a conversation with a stranger sitting next to you because all you can think about every waking moment is not dying...

I am a beggar Who reaches towards the closing circle Of light above him As he slides deeper into the widening Hole he's trapped in Like its the surface and first breath of air To keep from drowning. I reach in desperation but each time i pull on earth it falls away like a puff of smoke between my fingertips Im sinking No no no please, dont swallow me, theres someone here! All my muscles work to pull me higher towards my shrinking sunshine and the only thing i know My lungs are tightening against the rubber band thats around my throat, trying to choke me Dont break. Dont give up. Dont stop climbing. Reach!!!!!